You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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