on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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