My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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