No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
