somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
