Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You need Xanax blowdarts
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
