remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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