What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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