You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
