I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I can't turn off my feet"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
