The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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