Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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