I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
