Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
