i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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