Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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