that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
