I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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