why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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