thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
