So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
