The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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