This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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