we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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