I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
