I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Randomize
