Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
