The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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