I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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