I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
