I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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