My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
