dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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