i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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