you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing