I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
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he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
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On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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