I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he puts the penis in happiness.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
