I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
