Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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