guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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