I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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