This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
