mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
