you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
