i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
