I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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