Too much gin, very little bucket
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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