My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
