So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
