I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
