Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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