The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
