I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
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Well I just put wine in my tea
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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