I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
