We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
