Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
